Laugh of the day!

Discussion in 'Off Topic Forum' started by me just sayin, Sep 9, 2017.

  1. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.

    The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.

    Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that about?"

    He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."
     
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  2. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

    The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

    "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

    "What fer?", asked Bubba.

    "Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

    Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.

    When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

    "No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."
     
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  3. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

    While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

    At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

    Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

    The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
     
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  4. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other.

    Instead, they were giving each other written notes.

    One evening he gave her a paper where it said:

    "Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."

    The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock. Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:

    "Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!"
     
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  5. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

    She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

    George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house.

    And left it there all night.
     
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  6. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds 
a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”

    “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

    They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the 
circumcision.”
     
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  7. radon222

    radon222 Platinum Member

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    A man and a woman were having a romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
    The waitress noticed the woman slowly slide down her chair, the man stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the woman slid totally out of sight under the tablecloth... Still, the man stared straight ahead.
    The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué, went over to the table and, tactfully said to the man: "Pardon me sir, but I noticed that your wife has slid under the table. Is there a problem?”
    The man calmly looked up at her, gave a weak smile and said: "The problem is... my wife just walked in."
     
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  8. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A priest and a pastor are standing by the side of a road holding up 
a sign that reads “The end is near! Turn around now before it’s too late!”

    A passing driver yells, “You guys are nuts!” and speeds past them. From around the curve, they hear screeching tires—then a big splash.

    The priest turns to the pastor and says, “Do you think we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”
     
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  9. CTownDroid

    CTownDroid Gold Member

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    RETIREMENT BONUS

    The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.

    The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

    The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

    The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

    The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

    It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.

    But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

    The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

    Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

    The old Chief calmly replied, " Vietnam ."

    Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk
     
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  10. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Before beginning the service, our pastor read aloud a note he’d been handed moments earlier. “It says here that I should announce that there will be no B.S. tomorrow morning,” he said. He tucked the piece of paper into a pocket and added, “I’m hoping they mean ‘Bible Study.’”
     
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  11. redbert31

    redbert31 Diamond Member

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    Haha! Big payday for him

    Sent from my XT1650 using Tapatalk
     
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  12. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

    The farmer said, "That's once."

    A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

    The farmer said, "That's twice."

    After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.

    The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

    His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

    The farmer said, "That's once."
     
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