Laugh of the day!

Discussion in 'Off Topic Forum' started by me just sayin, Sep 9, 2017.

  1. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree. The leaf had been pressed in between pages.

    "Momma, look what I found", the boy called out.

    "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

    With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!!!"
     
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  2. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's flatmate was.

    She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his flatmate and this only made her more curious.

    Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the flatmate than met the eye.

    Reading his mum's thoughts, John volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just flatmates.'

    About a week later, Julie came to John and said, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

    John said, 'Well, I doubt it but I'll write her an email just to be sure.'

    So he sat down and wrote,
    'Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner'

    Several days later john received an email from his mother which read,
    'Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mum.'
     
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  3. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Q; How Many Lawyers Does It Take To screw In A Light bulb?

    A: Whereas The Party Of The First Part, Also Known As 'Lawyer', And The Party Of The Second Part, Also Known as 'Light Bulb', Do Hereby And forthwith Agree To A Transaction Wherein The Party Of The Second Part (Light Bulb) Shall Be Removed From The Current Position As A Result Of Failure To Perform Previously Agreed Upon Duties, I.E., The Lighting, Elucidation, And Otherwise Illumination Of The Area Ranging from .....
     
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  4. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A woman was in court for shop lifting a tin of peaches. The judge said: "You will do a year in prison for each peach in the tin."

    Her husband got up and said; "She stole a tin of beans as well."
     
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  5. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

    Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

    Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.

    The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

    Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

    "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.

    "Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.

    "Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.

    "Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"
     
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  6. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in
    the phone book and sure enough finds a gorilla removal service. When
    he asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, "Is it a
    male or female?"

    "Male," he replies.

    "Oh yeah we can do it. I'll be right there," he states. An hour later,
    the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a
    pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. "I'm going
    to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls
    out of the tree. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will try to bite the
    gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to
    protect himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him."

    The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

    The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the
    gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
     
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  7. DonaldSilver

    DonaldSilver New Member

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    What if she stole even a small bag of sugar :D :D
     
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  8. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    think that would be a death sentence :)
     
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  9. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

    Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

    Woman: Oh, I see.

    Officer: Can I see your license please?

    Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

    Officer: Don't have one?

    Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

    Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

    Woman: I can't do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Woman: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
    to see.

    The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
    calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
    officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

    The woman steps out of her vehicle.

    Woman: Is there a problem sir?

    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
    car and murdered the owner.

    Woman: Murdered the owner?

    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
    please.

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

    Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

    The first officer is stunned.

    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
    license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
    hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
    examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
    have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
    up the owner.

    Woman: Betcha the lying pig told you I was speeding too.
     
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  10. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

    Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says.

    The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."

    One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
     
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  11. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. "This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

    "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence.

    "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

    "Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

    The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The young man must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

    "But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

    "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
     
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  12. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads: "The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!"

    As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone you religious nuts!"

    From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

    The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say "Bridge Out?"
     
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