Laugh of the day!

[radon222]

A man asks his wife; What would you do if I won the lottery?
She thinks briefly and says; I'd take half and leave your ass.
He smirks just a bit and says; I thought that too. I did win. I won $12. Here's your $6, now get out.

 

[me just sayin]

A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773."

A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."

 

[radon222]

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid..
Husband: Well you don’t remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. Then you said:
Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
Moral: Never give a man a job that doesn't belong to him.

 

[me just sayin]

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. we're going at night!"

 

[droidprincess]

hahahahaha!! I needed a laugh!

 

[me just sayin]

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. “What’s going on here, anyway?” he asked. One of the crowd responded, “This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!”

“Wait,” yelled Jesus, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

Suddenly, a stone was thrown out from the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

“Aw, c’mon, Dad … ” Jesus cried, “I’m trying to make a point here”

 

[me just sayin]

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!

Father: Really, what?

Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

 

[me just sayin]

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

 

[bkdodger]

Haha

Sent using Tapatalk

 

[me just sayin]

15 blondes went into a bar, sat a puzzle down on a table, ordered 15 beers in celebration, and began circling the table and chanting “31 days! 31 days!”

The bartender asked them, “Hey what are you guys celebrating?”

One of the blondes replied to the bartender, “See this puzzle here? On the box it said 1-3 years. But we did it in 31 days!” http://kickasshumor.com/sort-by-month#

 

[me just sayin]

A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says, “Mummy, why is the girl dressed all in white?”

His mum answers, “The girls is called a bride and she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”

The boy nods and then says, “OK, and why is the boy all in black?”

 

[Caelan Beake]

Great reading jokes here, always. They really are a dose of good medicine.

 

[me just sayin]

this 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

 

[lloydstrans]

When life hands you melons, you know you're dyslexic.

Sent from my XT1254 using Tapatalk

 

[me just sayin]

A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.

It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"