Laugh of the day!

Discussion in 'Off Topic Forum' started by me just sayin, Sep 9, 2017.

  1. TisMyDroid

    TisMyDroid Super Moderator
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    A little frog was sitting innocently on a Lily pad when an eagle swooped down and gobbled him up. While the eagle was happily flying the countryside, the frog traveled through the eagle's digestive system to the end (I know this wouldn't happen in a real world but this is a joke). The frog looked up to the eagle and said, "how high up are we anyway?" The eagle said, "oh about 500 feet." The frog said, "you wouldn't sh*t me, would you?"

    Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk
     
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  2. me just sayin

    me just sayin Gold Member

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    A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

    For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.

    Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

    Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

    Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

    The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

    I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

    "Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

    "Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
     
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  3. me just sayin

    me just sayin Gold Member

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    This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

    The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.

    The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

    But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

    When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.

    The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.

    The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.

    The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!
     
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  4. CTownDroid

    CTownDroid Gold Member

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    Whispering In The Library
    A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
    He asked a girl, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
    The girl replied, in a loud voice, "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH
    YOU!"
    All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply
    embarrassed and moved to another table.
    After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said
    with a laugh,
    "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I bet you
    felt embarrassed, right?"
    The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
    All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
    The man whispered to her, "I study law and I know how to screw people."

    Sent from my Nexus 6P using Tapatalk
     
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  5. me just sayin

    me just sayin Gold Member

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    The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

    For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

    “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!”

    The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.”I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

    Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. The the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

    She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, “This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
     
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  6. bruben7886

    bruben7886 Diamond Member

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    Can't stop laughing!!

    Sent from my Moto Z (2) using Tapatalk
     
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  7. me just sayin

    me just sayin Gold Member

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    A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

    The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

    The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
     
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  8. me just sayin

    me just sayin Gold Member

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    Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
    Nobody stands up
    Teacher: "I'm sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
    Little Johnny stands up
    Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
    Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."
     
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  9. me just sayin

    me just sayin Gold Member

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    A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

    He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

    The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the tenth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?"

    The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
     
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  10. radon222

    radon222 Platinum Member

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    A man asks his wife; What would you do if I won the lottery?
    She thinks briefly and says; I'd take half and leave your ass.
    He smirks just a bit and says; I thought that too. I did win. I won $12. Here's your $6, now get out.
     
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  11. me just sayin

    me just sayin Gold Member

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    A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773."

    A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."
     
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  12. radon222

    radon222 Platinum Member

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    After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

    She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
    Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
    Husband: What’s up?
    Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid..
    Husband: Well you don’t remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. Then you said:
    Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
    Moral: Never give a man a job that doesn't belong to him.
     
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