Laugh of the day!

Discussion in 'Off Topic Forum' started by me just sayin, Sep 9, 2017.

  1. TisMyDroid

    TisMyDroid Super Moderator
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    An eight year old boy was sent to the store by his mother in the pouring rain because she needed some cheese & crackers for some guests that were about to arrive. The boy was not too happy about going out in the rain for such an errand. He walked the half mile to the store in the pouring rain, got the cheese & crackers and was rushing to get home when he tripped and fell into a mud puddle. Infuriated, he said, "Jesus Christ God Almighty!" He looked up to see his pastor looking down angrily at him. The pastor, in his stern voice said, "what did you say, young man?" The boy replied, "Cheese & crackers got all muddy!"

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  2. redbert31

    redbert31 Diamond Member

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    'Tis. I loved that one!

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  3. redbert31

    redbert31 Diamond Member

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    Me just saying... That was great!

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  4. me just sayin

    me just sayin Gold Member

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    An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

    When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

    Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

    When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

    At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

    DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

    P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
     
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  5. redbert31

    redbert31 Diamond Member

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    Me just sayin...I love this joke too... Great job!

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  6. me just sayin

    me just sayin Gold Member

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    A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

    John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

    For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

    John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”
     
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  7. redbert31

    redbert31 Diamond Member

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    Another good one me just sayin!

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  8. me just sayin

    me just sayin Gold Member

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    A preacher, who shall we say was “humor impaired,” attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

    Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd’s attention, said, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn’t my wife!” The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, “And that woman was my mother!” – The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

    The next week, the pastor decided he’d give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

    Getting to the microphone he said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!” The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, “…and I can’t remember who she was!”
     
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  9. redbert31

    redbert31 Diamond Member

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    I love your jokes!

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  10. me just sayin

    me just sayin Gold Member

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    A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention
    in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When
    he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union
    house?"

    "No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."

    "Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

    "The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."

    Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off
    down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
    His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded,
    "Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House."

    The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

    "The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00."

    "That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00,
    looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
    "I'd like her for the night."

    "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then pointing to an 85
    year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
     
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  11. me just sayin

    me just sayin Gold Member

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    As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow.

    The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
     
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  12. me just sayin

    me just sayin Gold Member

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    A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

    And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

    He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
     
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