Tell me a Joke!!

[AnneDroid]

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:
Definitely not!

WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:
Of course I do.

WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:
You would? (With a sad, hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:
Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:
- - SILENCE - -

HUSBAND:
Sh*t...

 

[KZIWarrior]

WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed. WIFE: - - SILENCE - -

HUSBAND:
Sh*t...

AH, that was great:icon_ banana: Myabe that's how Tiger screwed up.

 

[cereal killer]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement.

After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing like a baby.

"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.

"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"

"Yes, of course," she replied.

Choking between sobs he replied "Well, I would have been released tonight."[/FONT]

 

[AnneDroid]

These great questions and answers are from the good old days when the 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions…

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q.Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads underwater long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and youthink that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose
do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the
dark..

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

 

[DessoThumbs]

I loved Hollywood Squares back then!

 

[DessoThumbs]

Biggest joke of the day.

Blackberry

My work BB drops to 1x all the time in places my Droid gets 3G - three to four bars. They are both on the verizon network. BB also refuses to send emails half the time and never looks up contacts like it should.

Gov't issue for ya. IT noHELP DESK tells me "that's just the way it is." Just like that Hornsby song.

 

[Daver]

The hollywood squares quotes were great! Before my time, but that Lynde guy was hilarious...

 

[mantis5]

Great, AnneDroid! +1 for Paul Lynde, he was so funny...

While we're in the way-back machine, here's one:

A flea went into a travel agent's and asked about a week's holiday in the sunshine. "I've got just the thing for you" said the agent. "A week in Nice, in Ringo Starr's hair". "That sounds good" said the flea. He paid up and hopped off to Nice. Four days later he was back. "Terrible" he said. "The man never went outdoors once. He stayed inside, banging away on his drums, shaking his head from side to side the whole time. I got a terrible migraine. See if you've got something else". The agent looked through his books. "What about this?" he said. "A week in Monte Carlo, in Omar Sharif's moustache" "Oh yes" said the flea, paid up and hopped off. Four days later he was back. "Awful" he said. "He was in the casino gambling all the time. No sunshine at all. And what was worse, he smoked these terrible cigars. I was coughing and gasping something awful. You'll have to do better than this". "Mmm" said the travel agent. "It's getting a bit late in the season... Here we are! Just the thing for you. A week in St Tropez in Brigitte Bardot's muff". "Wonderful" said the flea. "She sunbathes in the nude. Should be just what I want". Four days - he was back, shaking his head. "I can't believe it" he said. "At first it was great. She was lying on the beach, nothing on. Lovely warm sunshine, radio alongside her playing nice music. And then, all of a sudden, I was back in Omar Sharif's moustache!"​

 

[cuskit]

Gone Fishing

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip.
Two days before the group is to leave John's wife puts her foot down and tells him
he isn't going.

John's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find John sitting
there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish cooking on the fire.

Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting
in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my
eyes and said 'guess who'?" I pulled her hands off and she was wearing
a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our
bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. On
the bed she had handcuffs and ropes!"

"She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said "do whatever you want."

So... Here I am.

----------------------------------------------

Many people state that their best friend is their spouse. You guys really want
to figure out who exactly is your best friend?

Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of a car. After about an hour, let them
out. The one that is happy to see you, that is your best friend.

mikey

 

[RW-1]

Q: How many Droid forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

1 to move it to the Lighting section.

2 to argue then move it to the Electrical section.

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

5 to flame the spell checkers.

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

3 standards zealots to point out that light bulbs have been deprecated in the LB 2.1 spec.

1 to call upon everybody to ignore this deprecation.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum.

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Oh wat, you wanted a joke ... Ok .... Ones a comin ...

 

[RW-1]

Once upon a time
In a land far away
A beautiful, independent
Self-assured princess
Happened upon a frog as she sat
Contemplating ecological issues
On the shores of an unpolluted pond
In a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess's lap
And said: "Elegant lady,
I was once a handsome prince
Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
And I will turn back
Into the dapper young prince that I am;
And then, my sweet, we can marry
And set up housekeeping in yon castle
With my mother,
Where you can prepare my meals,
Clean my clothes, bear my children,
And forever feel grateful and happy doing
so."

That night,
As the princess dined sumptuously
On a repast of lightly sauteed frogs' legs
Seasoned in a white wine
And onion cream sauce,
She chuckled and said softly to herself:
"I don't F-----G think so."

------------------------------------------------

On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.

The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers, proving that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide.

That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but that his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

An elderly man and his wife occupied the room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her, Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, that is the
gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threatenly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the bizarre twist. Future investigation revealed that the Son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mothers murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide. Very tidy of him.

-------------------------------------------------

A guy buys a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000 and has $400+ monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out on to the lake ice and get ready.

Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an icehole drill.

So, out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they risk slipping on the ice when they run from the
burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They decide to light this 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.

(Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns and the dog?) Yes, the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice.

The two men yell, scream, wave arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.

The shotgun is loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, (with the now really short fuse burning on the stick of dynamite) .... under the brand new Cherokee.

----BOOM!----

Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $400+ a month payments!!

 

[DessoThumbs]

Ping RW-1
man, i bet bar hopping would be fun as s**t w/ you!

 

[KZIWarrior]

Disclaimer: This involves politics, so if you have no humor towards politics than skip it. Do NOT turn this into a political banter thread but feel free to post an opposing jab:

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]below. She shouted to him,! "Excuse me, can you help[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]but I don't know where I am."[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]

[/FONT]The man consulted his portable GPS and replied,[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]"You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]

[/FONT]She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]

[/FONT]"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]

[/FONT]"Well," answered the balloonist,"everything you told[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]not been much help to me."[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]

[/FONT]The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]

[/FONT]"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]

[/FONT]"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]position you were in before we met, but, somehow,[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]now it's my fault."

 

[KZIWarrior]

Irrefutable proof that women are evil... though it would be more funny if it weren't so true:icon_ devil:

 

[cisco0910]

Hers one. Not really a joke but trust me just do it. Go to google and make sure the suggestions is enabled. Now on the search bar type in "why are" and just read googles first suggestion. Lmao off! It still kills me no matter how many times

you can also do on your phone with the search soft button. I just tried it, it's now the second suggestion