Laugh of the day!

[me just sayin]

One day, a Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.

"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."

"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."

"You're both wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have graduated from college and have moved out of the house."

 

[me just sayin]

A man is at the office one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about the other man's sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal about it. It's only an earring," the co-worker replies rather sheepishly.

"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?" asked the man.

His co-worker replied, "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

 

[me just sayin]

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

 

[me just sayin]

Way down south, there's a Baptist minister of a large congregation. One morning after a particularly moving sermon, he says, "Friends, I have been hearing nasty rumors!"

The crowd falls into an expectant silence. "One of you, my faithful followers, has been saying that I am a member of the Klu Klux Klan. This is not true! I am now asking that the guilty party confess and apologize here before my flock."

Just then Sister Margaret stands up, "Preacher, I don't know how this came to be. All I said was that you're a wizard under the sheets."

 

[me just sayin]

home remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

AND.. Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

Get the last word in: Apologize

 

[me just sayin]

Two male computer science students met on campus one day. The first student called out to the other, "Hey. Nice bike! Where did you get it?"

"Well," replied the second student, "I was walking to class the other day, when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all off her clothes, and says, 'You can have ANYTHING you want'."

"Good choice." said the first computer science student. "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

 

[me just sayin]

By the time Jim pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where, I'm too exhausted to go any farther."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost but, to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it's worth it to you."

"No problem," Jim assured him, "I'll take it."

The next morning Jim came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better," said Jim. "Thanks for helping me out."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring then?"

"Nope. I shut him up in no time," Jim replied.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Jim explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, "Goodnight, beautiful." He sat up all night watching me sleep."

 

[me just sayin]

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."

 

[me just sayin]

The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious, and extremely heated.

Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one last try at a no-alimony settlement. "Your Honor," he said, "my client sincerely believes his wife is being absolutely ridiculous. Why, most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry; and on the day in question, he was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."

"Counselor," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce and the settlement Mrs. Ralston is asking in its entirety. I simply cannot believe chivalry was the motivation for your client opening that car door - while he was driving down the freeway at 85 mph."

 

[me just sayin]

There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde saw a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went back home.

 

[me just sayin]

The following is the procrastinators creed

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I think I will post it tomorrow

 

[me just sayin]

A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"

The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."

 

[me just sayin]

A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

“To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,” the attorney reads.

“To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.

“And finally,” the lawyer concludes, “to my cousin Bill, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will, well, you were wrong.

Hi, Bill!”

 

[me just sayin]

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?''

''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.''

 

[me just sayin]

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralyzed, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.