Laugh of the day!

[me just sayin]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's flatmate was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his flatmate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, John volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just flatmates.'

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

John said, 'Well, I doubt it but I'll write her an email just to be sure.'

So he sat down and wrote,
'Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner'

Several days later john received an email from his mother which read,
'Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mum.'

 

[me just sayin]

Q; How Many Lawyers Does It Take To screw In A Light bulb?

A: Whereas The Party Of The First Part, Also Known As 'Lawyer', And The Party Of The Second Part, Also Known as 'Light Bulb', Do Hereby And forthwith Agree To A Transaction Wherein The Party Of The Second Part (Light Bulb) Shall Be Removed From The Current Position As A Result Of Failure To Perform Previously Agreed Upon Duties, I.E., The Lighting, Elucidation, And Otherwise Illumination Of The Area Ranging from .....

 

[me just sayin]

A woman was in court for shop lifting a tin of peaches. The judge said: "You will do a year in prison for each peach in the tin."

Her husband got up and said; "She stole a tin of beans as well."

 

[me just sayin]

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.

The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.

"Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

 

[me just sayin]

A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in
the phone book and sure enough finds a gorilla removal service. When
he asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, "Is it a
male or female?"

"Male," he replies.

"Oh yeah we can do it. I'll be right there," he states. An hour later,
the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a
pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. "I'm going
to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls
out of the tree. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will try to bite the
gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to
protect himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him."

The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the
gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."

 

[DonaldSilver]

A woman was in court for shop lifting a tin of peaches. The judge said: "You will do a year in prison for each peach in the tin."

Her husband got up and said; "She stole a tin of beans as well."

What if she stole even a small bag of sugar

 

[me just sayin]

What if she stole even a small bag of sugar

think that would be a death sentence

 

[me just sayin]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying pig told you I was speeding too.

 

[me just sayin]

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."

One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

 

[me just sayin]

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. "This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The young man must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

 

[me just sayin]

A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads: "The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone you religious nuts!"

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say "Bridge Out?"

 

[me just sayin]

GOOD

A Madison, WI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in La Crosse, WI. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As a Wisconsin State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball." He replied, "Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

 

[me just sayin]

Q: Who was the greatest inventor of all time?
A: God was! He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.


Q: How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A: They were definitely put out.


Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children to explain why he no longer lived in Eden?
A: "Your mother ate us out of house and home."

 

[me just sayin]

This guy was on the side of the road near Terang, hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was black and no cars went by. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him. It stopped. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door and then realized there was nobody behind the wheel.

The car started slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming toward him. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life.

He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they get to a curve.

The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet, and in shock, he goes to a pub and asks for two shots of whiskey, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy is crying, and isn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two blokes walked in the same pub and one says to the other "Look Bill, there's the jerk that got in the car when we were pushing it!!!"

 

[me just sayin]

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."