Tell me a Joke!!

[cuskit]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

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One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?" To which the man replied, "Get in line."

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A CALIFORNIA Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from DALLAS when the he turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care' and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes
little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The California legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Then would you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know ****?"

 

[ricepuddin]

I took my 92 yr. old grandpa to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes .
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had
spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My grandpa kept
staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the
matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?' Knowing my grandpa,
I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response,
knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an
eye in his response.

'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son.

 

[smalltowngirl13]

How to wash a toilet

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.



1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.




2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.



3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand or sit on the lid.



4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet,
the cat is actually enjoying this.


5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.




6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.



7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.



8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.




9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.




Yours Sincerely,

The Dog

 

[Corinacakes]

omg these are so funny :rofl3:

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.

He loved money more than just about anything.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.

He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.

"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!?

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."

Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman.


Holy motha :rofl3:

 

[DessoThumbs]

In light of all the news about airline pilots, air traiffic controllers and their children in the news: (at least a respite from health care being shoved down our throats)

---------------------------------------------------

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Dave Smith welcoming you to flight 107, Delta's non-stop service to Atlanta. We are currently cruising at 32,000 feet with a nice tailwind; we should have you at the terminal at 7:05 local time and the weather in Atlanta is clear, cool and breezy. If you should need anything to make your flight more comfortable, please let a flight attendant know and we will accomodate. Once again, thank you for choosing Delta for your skyway transportation needs."
Dave then hangs up the mic but forgets to un-key it. He leans to his right and states,
"Bob (copilot), take the helm. I'm gonna go take a dump and then put it to that cute new stewardess."
Having heard this over the cabin speakers, the cute new stewardess goes running up the aisle toward the cockpit with horror on her face. She trips and falls face first on the aisleway right next to a little old lady from Boston.
The proper little old lady leans over, and says,
"Slow down, honey, he said he was gonna take a sh*t first."

 

[Corinacakes]

:rofl3: Desso!!

 

[cuskit]

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".

 

[pcarcr]

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,

when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn ' t stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over of my body.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven ' t felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so ' spicy ' that I just laid down and told him
' Take me, young man. Take me now! '

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool! ' And that ' s when I shot him, the little bastard :icon_ devil: :rofl3:

 

[RW-1]

Ping RW-1
man, i bet bar hopping would be fun as s**t w/ you!

You have NO idea ! It sure would!

Thanks!

Ok, flying jokes: (I have a million of them!)

S19: Tower, this is Speedbird One-Niner, request clearance.

Twr: Well, hello,there! We're so glad to hear from you. Would you believe you're the first aircraft we've had in or out since Monday?

S19: That's very nice, Tower, S19 requests the information.

Twr: Well, there's an overcast at 1000 feet, but there's not a breath of wind. You can't believe how boring it's been lately, we haven't had any aircraft in or out since Monday.

S19: Tower, S19 requests landing instructions, and which runway is active?

Twr: You can have any runway you like, we're just so happy to see you, we haven't had any aircraft in or out since Monday.

S19: Roger, S19 will be doing an ILS approach on runway 27.

Twr: You're cleared for the ILS approach on 27, report when you have the runway in sight.

(A little later)

S19: Tower, S19 has the runway in sight, 1 mile final for 27 - Tower, for God's sake, there's another airliner taking off on 09 directly towards us!

Twr: Oh, my God, don't tell me it's going to be another day like Monday.

--------------------------

Extracted from the UK CAA GASIL (general aviation safety info leaflet) Dec 1991.
Lady Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at 7 miles?"
Airline Captain: "Madam, you can try."

---------------------

Leaving Palo Alto on Friday. A Citabria had just landed:
PAO: 85 Uniform, Taxi to position and hold.
Me: Position and hold, 85 Uniform.
Citabria: Umm, Tower, there's a dead seagull on the right side of the runway near the windsock.
PAO: Roger. 85 Uniform, cleared for takeoff. Watch for a dead seagull on the right side of the runway.
Me: 85 Uniform, Dead seagull traffic in sight.

A little later, the Citabria was downwind when I heard:
PAO: Citabria 123, cleared to land 30. Caution - there's a buzzard trying to eat the seagull on the runway.

-------------------------

Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, aircraft on runway."
Solo Student Pilot: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
Tower: "Aircraft, GO AROUND"
Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
Tower: (Screaming) "AIRCRAFT, GO AROUND!!"
Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
So, the student pilot plunks his airplane down on the numbers, taxies up to where the twin is sitting in the middle of the runway, GOES AROUND it, and continues on to the taxiway.
-----
This CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.
(long pause)
Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.
It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.

---------------------

On a small commuter flight one sunny day, the captain was told his passengers were nervous about being on a "small airplane." He decided to take action: "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. I have been informed that some of you are nervous about being on a 'little' plane. Well, let me assure you, there is nothing to worry about, just sit back and take it easy. It might be helpful to do some sight seeing to put your mind at ease. Now, if you'll all lean and look out over the right wing of the airplane....it'll tip over! Hahahahaha!! Just a little pilot humor..."

--------------------

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot but she keeps denying it until finally the husband just knew when his wife said: Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ...

---------------------

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign, and held it in the helicopter's window.
The pilot's sign read: "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign read "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded: "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

I've got more is requested ....

 

[gatewayad]

6 short stories written by men.


ONE
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down
behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning." He said, "No, just taking a s--t.


TWO
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked Him to
forgive me.


THREE
My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out
of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you
bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ---
but you said, 'That would hurt too much'."


FOUR
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She
told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm
trying to examine you."


FIVE
I was walking down the road and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on
his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him,
"What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"


SIX

My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and said, "Make
love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in
her ---, pulled out, flipped her back over and ---- all over her face and hair.
I never saw her again after that night. I guess we don't watch the same movies.

 

[DessoThumbs]

On a small commuter flight one sunny day, the captain was told his passengers were nervous about being on a "small airplane." He decided to take action: "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. I have been informed that some of you are nervous about being on a 'little' plane. Well, let me assure you, there is nothing to worry about, just sit back and take it easy. It might be helpful to do some sight seeing to put your mind at ease. Now, if you'll all lean and look out over the right wing of the airplane....it'll tip over! Hahahahaha!! Just a little pilot humor..."

--------------------

Doing my best Ron White imitation:

"We were going half the speed of SMELL."
"How far will this plane make it? - All the way to the scene of the crash."

 

[DessoThumbs]

A flea went into a travel agent's and asked about a week's holiday in the sunshine. "I've got just the thing for you" said the agent. "A week in Nice, in Ringo Starr's hair". "That sounds good" said the flea. He paid up and hopped off to Nice. Four days later he was back. "Terrible" he said. "The man never went outdoors once. He stayed inside, banging away on his drums, shaking his head from side to side the whole time. I got a terrible migraine. See if you've got something else". The agent looked through his books. "What about this?" he said. "A week in Monte Carlo, in Omar Sharif's moustache" "Oh yes" said the flea, paid up and hopped off. Four days later he was back. "Awful" he said. "He was in the casino gambling all the time. No sunshine at all. And what was worse, he smoked these terrible cigars. I was coughing and gasping something awful. You'll have to do better than this". "Mmm" said the travel agent. "It's getting a bit late in the season... Here we are! Just the thing for you. A week in St Tropez in Brigitte Bardot's muff". "Wonderful" said the flea. "She sunbathes in the nude. Should be just what I want". Four days - he was back, shaking his head. "I can't believe it" he said. "At first it was great. She was lying on the beach, nothing on. Lovely warm sunshine, radio alongside her playing nice music. And then, all of a sudden, I was back in Omar Sharif's moustache!"

The 2 most conceited things in the world:

A flea crawling up a rhino's leg with rape on his mind.

Another flea floating down the river on his back with an erection yelling "raise the bridge."

 

[DessoThumbs]

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She
told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm
trying to examine you."

OMG I'm on the floor here at work. Hope no one pops in my office; guess I need to lock the door. LOL ROFLMAO!

My family doc is a good looking woman, a graduate of East Carolina University medical school. Not that that matters, but ECU was voted best party school by Playboy mag. I've partied there many times myself. Anyway I HAVE to remember to tell her this just after she slips on that laytex glove and greases it down.

 

[DessoThumbs]

I'm on a roll, don't stop me...
(mt. dew with lunch)

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a redneck were chatting about their sexual prowess.
The Englishman: "After I'm done making love to my wife, she floats 6 inches off the bed!" To which the Frenchman replies, "After pleasuring my love, she floats NINE inches off the bed!"
The redneck loudly boasts, "When I'm done, I wipe off on the curtains an my ole lady hits the ceiling!"

 

[gatewayad]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, and cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.