Tell me a Joke!!

Discussion in 'Off Topic Forum' started by Corinacakes, Mar 3, 2010.

  1. Corinacakes
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    Corinacakes DF Super Moderator Theme Developer

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    Ok i'll start this lol

    How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plow?

    Give her a shovel! :rofl3:

    A wife is dreaming, wakes up and shouts "QUICK! my husband's home!" Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window LmAo
  2. KZIWarrior
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    KZIWarrior Active Member

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    CELEBRITY HOMES


    John Travolta
    [​IMG]

    Halle Berry
    [​IMG]

    OPRAH
    [​IMG]



    J-Lo and Mark Anthony
    [​IMG]




    EDDIE MURPHY
    [​IMG]


    Tiger Woods
    [​IMG]
  3. KZIWarrior
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    KZIWarrior Active Member

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    Lie detector
    John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

    It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
    "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John..

    "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
    knocking him completely out of his chair.

    Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

    "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

    "What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

    "The Ten Commandments..." answered Tommy.

    The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

    "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

    The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

    Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

    The robot then walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
  4. KZIWarrior
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    KZIWarrior Active Member

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    NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
    (1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.



    (2) I'm Ready: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.



    (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.



    (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permi ssion. Don't Do It!



    (5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of 'nothing'.)



    (6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.



    (7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').



    (8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!



    (9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
  5. KZIWarrior
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    KZIWarrior Active Member

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    K, last one, and I'm off to bed:

    Subject: Proof That Men have Better Friends

    > >
    Friendship among Women:
    > > A woman didn't come home one night. The next
    > > morning she told her husband that she had slept
    > > over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's
    > > 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
    > >
    > >
    Friendship among Men:
    > > A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
    > > told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
    > > house.
    > > The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight
    > > confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was
    > > still there.


  6. Corinacakes
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    Corinacakes DF Super Moderator Theme Developer

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    OMFG LOL!!!! :rofl3:
  7. hookbill
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    hookbill Premium Member Premium Member

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    I've been on hold with Verizon Wireless for about an hour. Is this some type of joke????:icon_ devil:
  8. Vulcan1600
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    Vulcan1600 DF Super Moderator Staff Member Premium Member

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    Are you trying to order a new battery too? :) I'll post some jokes tonight.
  9. Trooper
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    Trooper New Member

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    LOL!!! I almost spewed out my coffee on this one.....Classic!!:rofl3:
  10. DessoThumbs
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    DessoThumbs Member

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    An original limerick, ever so slightly off - color; mods delete if inappropriate for our forum.

    Pocahontas

    "I enjoy a menage-a-trois."
    Said Pocahontas, the horny young squaw.
    John Smith was so happy
    He invited his pappy.
    He shared everything, you see, with his pa.
  11. mvezz
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    mvezz New Member

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    Saw this one yesterday, made me lmao:

    [​IMG]
  12. huskur
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    huskur Well-Known Member

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    IPHONE !!!!!! :rofl3: (sorry had to do it)
  13. mvezz
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    mvezz New Member

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    Apple in general...lol At least with the recent news of them suing HTC and possible more Google Android phones in the future. Funny thing is that Android users can make their phones do anything they want, regardless of lawsuits. Unlike most iPhone users who are locked down by Jobs's Communist Regime!!
  14. JCo352
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    JCo352 New Member

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    lol funniest one so far
  15. KZIWarrior
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    KZIWarrior Active Member

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    :rofl3: that's great!
  16. AnneDroid
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    AnneDroid Rescue Squad Rescue Squad

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    WIFE:
    What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

    HUSBAND:

    Definitely not!

    WIFE:
    Why not - don't you like being married?

    HUSBAND:

    Of course I do.

    WIFE:
    Then why wouldn't you remarry?

    HUSBAND:

    Okay, I'd get married again.

    WIFE:
    You would? (With a sad, hurtful look on her face).

    HUSBAND:

    (Makes audible groan).

    WIFE:
    Would you live in our house?

    HUSBAND:

    Sure, it's a great house.

    WIFE:
    Would you sleep with her in our bed?

    HUSBAND:

    Where else would we sleep?

    WIFE:
    Would you let her drive my car?

    HUSBAND:

    Probably, it is almost new.

    WIFE:
    Would you replace my pictures with hers?

    HUSBAND:

    That would seem like the proper thing to do.

    WIFE:
    Would she use my golf clubs?

    HUSBAND:

    No, she's left-handed.

    WIFE:
    - - SILENCE - -

    HUSBAND:

    Sh*t...
  17. KZIWarrior
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    KZIWarrior Active Member

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    AH, that was great:icon_ banana: Myabe that's how Tiger screwed up.
  18. cereal killer
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    cereal killer DF Administrator Staff Member

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    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement.

    After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing like a baby.

    "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.

    "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"

    "Yes, of course," she replied.

    Choking between sobs he replied "Well, I would have been released tonight."
    [/FONT]
  19. AnneDroid
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    AnneDroid Rescue Squad Rescue Squad

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    These great questions and answers are from the good old days when the 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions…

    Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
    A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
    (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

    Q.Do female frogs croak?
    A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads underwater long enough.

    Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
    A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

    Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?
    A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

    Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
    A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

    Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and youthink that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
    A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

    Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
    A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

    Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
    A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

    Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
    A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

    Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
    A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

    Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
    A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

    Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
    A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

    Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
    A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

    Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
    A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..

    Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
    A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

    Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
    A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

    Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose
    do?
    A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

    Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
    A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the
    dark..

    Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
    A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

    Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
    A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

    Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
    A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

    Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
    A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

    Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
    A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

    Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
    A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

    Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
    A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2010
  20. DessoThumbs
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    DessoThumbs Member

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    I loved Hollywood Squares back then!
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