Tell me a Joke!!

[Corinacakes]

Ok i'll start this lol

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plow?

Give her a shovel! :rofl3:

A wife is dreaming, wakes up and shouts "QUICK! my husband's home!" Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window LmAo

 

[KZIWarrior]

CELEBRITY HOMES


John Travolta

Halle Berry

OPRAH

J-Lo and Mark Anthony

EDDIE MURPHY

Tiger Woods

 

[KZIWarrior]

Lie detector
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John..

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.

Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments..." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot then walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

 

[KZIWarrior]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE​

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.



(2) I'm Ready: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.



(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.



(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permi ssion. Don't Do It!



(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of 'nothing'.)



(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.



(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').



(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!



(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

 

[KZIWarrior]

K, last one, and I'm off to bed:

Subject: Proof That Men have Better Friends

> > Friendship among Women:
> > A woman didn't come home one night. The next
> > morning she told her husband that she had slept
> > over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's
> > 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
> >
> > Friendship among Men:
> > A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
> > told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
> > house.
> > The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight
> > confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was
> > still there.

 

[Corinacakes]

OMFG LOL!!!! :rofl3:

 

[hookbill]

I've been on hold with Verizon Wireless for about an hour. Is this some type of joke????:icon_ devil:

 

[Vulcan1600]

I've been on hold with Verizon Wireless for about an hour. Is this some type of joke????:icon_ devil:

Are you trying to order a new battery too? I'll post some jokes tonight.

 

[Trooper]

K, last one, and I'm off to bed:

Subject: Proof That Men have Better Friends

> > Friendship among Women:
> > A woman didn't come home one night. The next
> > morning she told her husband that she had slept
> > over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's
> > 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
> >
> > Friendship among Men:
> > A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
> > told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
> > house.
> > The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight
> > confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was
> > still there.

LOL!!! I almost spewed out my coffee on this one.....Classic!!:rofl3:

 

[DessoThumbs]

An original limerick, ever so slightly off - color; mods delete if inappropriate for our forum.

Pocahontas

"I enjoy a menage-a-trois."
Said Pocahontas, the horny young squaw.
John Smith was so happy
He invited his pappy.
He shared everything, you see, with his pa.

 

[mvezz]

Saw this one yesterday, made me lmao:

 

[huskur]

IPHONE !!!!!! :rofl3: (sorry had to do it)

 

[mvezz]

IPHONE !!!!!! :rofl3: (sorry had to do it)

Apple in general...lol At least with the recent news of them suing HTC and possible more Google Android phones in the future. Funny thing is that Android users can make their phones do anything they want, regardless of lawsuits. Unlike most iPhone users who are locked down by Jobs's Communist Regime!!

 

[JCo352]

Saw this one yesterday, made me lmao:

lol funniest one so far

 

[KZIWarrior]

Saw this one yesterday, made me lmao:

:rofl3: that's great!