Laugh of the day!

Discussion in 'Off Topic Forum' started by me just sayin, Sep 9, 2017.

  1. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Note 8
    A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.

    After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

    The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.

    In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
     
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  2. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    here was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.

    Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"
     
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  3. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

    He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

    Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

    The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

    "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

    "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

    The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

    A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

    "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

    "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."
     
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  4. bruben7886

    bruben7886 Diamond Member

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    @me just sayin
    Don't stop with these. You just cheer me up every evening with this stuff!

    Sent from my Moto Z (2)
     
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  5. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    glad you like them. I do wish others would post more often. I am running out of jokes :-(
     
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  6. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

    A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
     
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  7. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Note 8
    A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

    "Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.

    "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"

    "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"

    "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"

    "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset...Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

    Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama...words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."
     
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  8. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.

    She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."

    The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."
     
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  9. bkdodger

    bkdodger Super Moderator
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    Nexus 6
    Blonde Thursday...

    Two blondes were on their way to Disneyland and came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
    So they went home.

    A blonde goes to the library to get a book. A few days later, she comes back and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it."
    The librarian says to her coworkers, "So here's the person who took our phone book!"

    A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband.
    The next day she goes to Wal-mart and her phone rings, so she answers it.
    It was her husband. He says, "How's the new cell phone?"
    She replied, "Great...but how did you know I was at Wal-mart?"

    Two blondes walk into a tanning salon. The receptionist asks, "Are you two sisters?"
    They chuckled and reply, " No, we aren't even Catholic."


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
     
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  10. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."

    A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."

    The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."
     
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  11. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    this blonde got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

    The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

    She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

    He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat

    She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said.... FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
     
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  12. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

    God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

    With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.

    “That’s true,” says God.

    “So what happened?” she demands.

    God shrugs, “I didn’t recognize you.”
     
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