Laugh of the day!

Discussion in 'Off Topic Forum' started by me just sayin, Sep 9, 2017.

  1. me just sayin

    me just sayin Gold Member

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    Note 8
    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

    The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

    "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Melaine.

    Aunt Melaine was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of Scotch, a pistol and a survival knife.

    She drank the Scotch on the way down so it would not break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

    She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, Killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

    "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?

    Johnny replied, "Stay the ---- away from Aunt Melaine when she's been drinking."
     
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  2. me just sayin

    me just sayin Gold Member

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    Note 8
    A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

    His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"

    Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute." She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?

    His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
     
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  3. radon222

    radon222 Platinum Member

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    A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
    She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
    " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

    "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

    "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

    "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

    "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

    "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

    "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

    A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

    "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
    and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
    And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
    and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
    They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

    "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

    "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
    and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

    "Oh, really! What'd he say?"

    He said: "Who screwed up your hair?"
     
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  4. me just sayin

    me just sayin Gold Member

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    Note 8
    A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

    So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

    So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.

    "The word is celebrate not celibate," says the old monk with tears in his eyes.
     
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  5. me just sayin

    me just sayin Gold Member

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    Note 8
    Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."
     
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  6. me just sayin

    me just sayin Gold Member

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    perfect prank for thanksgiving, if the person cooking the turkey does not stuff it, when they are not looking, stick a small cornish hen or quail inside of it before it goes in the oven :)
     
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  7. me just sayin

    me just sayin Gold Member

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    Note 8
    A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns.

    After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

    A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns.

    Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
     
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  8. me just sayin

    me just sayin Gold Member

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    Note 8
    two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ‘How do you really feel? I mean, you’re 82 years old, how do you honestly feel?’

    ‘Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I’ve got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.
     
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  9. me just sayin

    me just sayin Gold Member

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    Note 8
    Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."

    "Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"

    "No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.

    "I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.

    "Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

    After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"
     
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  10. me just sayin

    me just sayin Gold Member

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    Note 8
    A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

    Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

    A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

    The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
     
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  11. me just sayin

    me just sayin Gold Member

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    Note 8
    For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

    One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

    The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

    Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
     
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  12. me just sayin

    me just sayin Gold Member

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    Note 8
    A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

    Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

    The other three agreed.

    The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

    The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

    The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

    The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."
     
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