Laugh of the day!

OP
me just sayin

me just sayin

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How to avoid the flu

Eat right. Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your Vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise to help build your immune system.

Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of
antibacterial stuff around and use it.

Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.

Get plenty of rest.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR

You can take the doctors office approach. Think about it; when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol. Why? Because alcohol kills germs. So......

I walk to the liquor store (exercise), put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest).

The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up the flu germs can't get you!
 
OP
me just sayin

me just sayin

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A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then she thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."
 
OP
me just sayin

me just sayin

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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.
 
OP
me just sayin

me just sayin

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According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the restroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all of the girls to the restroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of them. He took a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.
 

redbert31

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According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the restroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all of the girls to the restroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of them. He took a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.
Hahaha good one

Sent from my XT1650 using Tapatalk
 
OP
me just sayin

me just sayin

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Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him,all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - PRICELESS !!!!!!!!!!
 
OP
me just sayin

me just sayin

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Last summer Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels inlove with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue therelationship.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend.. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

"Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'ma hooker."

"I see, Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment.

Then he continued,






"You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.
 
OP
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me just sayin

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Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on—this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?”
like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fittingboots off.

He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.”

She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, “Now, where are your mittens?”

He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots...”
 
OP
me just sayin

me just sayin

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A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued... and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held
a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
 

radon222

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Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth arrive at the Pearly Gates on the same day.
Saint Peter says: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
The angel asked Stormy for a reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen quietly walked to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it.
The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Stormy was shocked and asked, "What was that all about?!? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted?!? Would you explain that to me?” "Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
 
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