Laugh of the day!

Discussion in 'Off Topic Forum' started by me just sayin, Sep 9, 2017.

  1. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Note 8
    George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial.

    The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as $5,000.00.

    The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.00. George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back, that's what I want to do."

    The Consul says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price". "No, it's not that," says George.

    "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance!
     
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  2. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Note 8
    An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine and stool sample."

    The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?" "What did he say? What's he want?"

    His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
     
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  3. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Note 8
    A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

    The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

    The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

    Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

    The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

    The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

    The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

    Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

    The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

    The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

    "Where did you learn that?"

    The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
     
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  4. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Note 8
    The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark."

    Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall.

    Noah sat in his front yard, weeping.

    "Why haven't you built the ark?" asked the Lord.

    "Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things happened.

    "The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a varience..

    "The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals.

    "The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the flood. the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain.

    "The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission said I wasn't hiring enough Minorities.

    "I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years."

    Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to shine.

    Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean you're not going to devastate the earth?"

    "Yep," said the Lord. "The government already has."
     
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  5. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    How to avoid the flu

    Eat right. Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

    Take your vitamins and bump up your Vitamin C.

    Get plenty of exercise to help build your immune system.

    Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of
    antibacterial stuff around and use it.

    Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.

    Get plenty of rest.

    Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

    OR

    You can take the doctors office approach. Think about it; when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol. Why? Because alcohol kills germs. So......

    I walk to the liquor store (exercise), put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest).

    The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up the flu germs can't get you!
     
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  6. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

    The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then she thought "that's really not so bad."

    When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

    Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."
     
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  7. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Note 8
    A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

    After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

    "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

    On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

    "He said you're going to die," she replied.
     
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  8. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the restroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

    Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all of the girls to the restroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

    She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of them. He took a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

    Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.
     
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  9. redbert31

    redbert31 Diamond Member

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    Hahaha good one

    Sent from my XT1650 using Tapatalk
     
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  10. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him,all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

    So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

    His son says, "Well, you came home after 3A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

    Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

    His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

    A self-induced hangover - $100.00
    Broken furniture - $200.00
    Breakfast - $10.00
    Saying the right thing - PRICELESS !!!!!!!!!!
     
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  11. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Last summer Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels inlove with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue therelationship.

    "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend.. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

    "Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'ma hooker."

    "I see, Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment.

    Then he continued,






    "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.
     
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  12. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

    She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”

    She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on—this time on the right feet.

    He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”

    She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?”
    like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fittingboots off.

    He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.”

    She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, “Now, where are your mittens?”

    He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots...”
     
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