Laugh of the day!

Discussion in 'Off Topic Forum' started by me just sayin, Sep 9, 2017.

  1. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."

    Trying to be funny, the Daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."

    The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"
     
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  2. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A man spent his life looking for the grave of Mozart. When he finally had done his homework and pinpointed the location, he set out to dig up the grave to see if there were any scores that he may have taken with him, making the man famous.

    When he finally arrived at the spot and started digging, he noticed a faint light growing brighter the further down he dug. When he finally broke through the soil to where Mozart's grave was, he was shocked to find the musician erasing pages and pages of music.

    After a short time the man got up the courage to ask what Mozart was doing to which Mozart replied, "I'm decomposing"
     
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  3. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Note 8
    A little boy returning home from school said to his mother, 'Mom, what's sex?'

    His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

    When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, 'Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?'
     
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  4. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.

    The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.

    "Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was.

    "Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.

    "And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.

    "Where is your car now?" the troopers inquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.

    "May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.

    Inside the garage was the state troopers car.
     
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  5. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    a womans perfect breakfast
    -----------------
    She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

    Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

    Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

    Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

    And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
     
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  6. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he'd become comfortable, the front doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on terry cloth slippers and a large towel, wrapped his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door. A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

    The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and towels, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell, and hit his back against the hard porcelain of the tub.

    Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor. After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"
     
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  7. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Note 8
    A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

    The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
     
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  8. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    These two newfies are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away.

    He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end." The buddy gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those nails are for the other side of the house!"
     
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  9. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A photographer for a well-known national magazine was assigned to cover southern California's wildfires. The magazine wanted pictures of the heroic work the firefighters were doing as they battled the blazes.

    When the photographer arrived on the scene he realized that the smoke was so thick it would seriously impede, or even make impossible, his getting good photographs from ground-level. He requested permission from his boss and the forest service to rent a plane and take photos from the air.

    His request was approved and he used his cell-phone to call the local county airport to charter a flight.

    He was told a single-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

    Arriving at the airfield and spotted his plane warming up outside a hangar. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!"

    The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared down the runway. Once in the air, the photographer requested the pilot to, "Fly over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

    "Why?" asked the pilot.

    "Because I'm a photographer for a national magazine," he responded, "and I need to get some close-up shots."

    The pilot was strangely silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?"
     
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  10. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"

    Farmer: "That's right."

    Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

    Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life."
     
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  11. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    As Sue was trying to pack for vacation, her 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

    Trying to keep her daughter entertained, her mom reached out and stuck the fingers in her mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before rushing out of the room again.

    When she returned, her daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

    Sue said, "What's wrong honey?"

    "Mommy, where's my booger?"
     
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  12. lloydstrans

    lloydstrans Platinum Member

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    What's the difference between a booger and a burger?

    The burger goes on top of the table.
     
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