Laugh of the day!

Discussion in 'Off Topic Forum' started by me just sayin, Sep 9, 2017.

  1. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Ireland's worst air disaster occurred this morning when a small
    2-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery in Central Ireland.

    Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and
    expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
     
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  2. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest.

    After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"

    "Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."

    Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"

    "Why?" his father asked.

    "Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"
     
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  3. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

    He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

    The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning, a delicacy!"

    The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

    The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!

    The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

    The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
     
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  4. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

    The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in you herd, will you give me a calf?"

    The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, hereceives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel V spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have Exactly 1586 cows and calves."

    "That's right Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

    "You're a consultant systems analyst." says the cowboy.

    "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

    "No guessing required." answered the cowboy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know anything about my business."

    "Now give me back my dog".
     
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  5. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Politicians and diapers have one thing in common, they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
     
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  6. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

    The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

    The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

    Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

    The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

    To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
     
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  7. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    There was a married blonde who was very concerned about her stupidity to her husband, so she decides to make it up to him by painting the house while he's at work.

    When her husband came home, the house was suspiciously green and smelled like paint, so he went to her wife to see what's going on. When he went in the bedroom, she was still painting while she was wearing a ski jacket over a leather jacket. The husband said "I like what you did to the house, but why are you wearing a ski jacket over a leather jacket?" The blonde responds "When I was reading the instructions on the can, it said 'FOR BEST RESULTS, USE TWO COATS!'"
     
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  8. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several lines of code streaming up the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.

    Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

    "Very well, then." said God, "Let us see it Jesus fared any better."

    Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers.

    Satan was astonished and stuttered, "But how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"

    God chuckled and replied, "Jesus saves."
     
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  9. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Apparently, independent studies have discovered that the internet is an addictive agent which, they say, is just as powerful as drugs or alcohol.

    However, researchers go on to say that the internet is actually much more dangerous than these addictive substances, since it is a terminal addiction.
     
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  10. xeene

    xeene Gold Member

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    Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities. Now there is a disabled guy in a white house and all they do is complain about it.
     
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  11. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up putting the entire plant behind schedule.

    The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Elmos all over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

    At the end of the line stands the new employee. She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles.

    The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

    The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

    After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles."
     
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  12. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

    She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

    "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

    "We use it for sex." The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

    The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
     
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