Laugh of the day!

Discussion in 'Off Topic Forum' started by me just sayin, Sep 9, 2017.

  1. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Note 8
    The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious, and extremely heated.

    Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one last try at a no-alimony settlement. "Your Honor," he said, "my client sincerely believes his wife is being absolutely ridiculous. Why, most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry; and on the day in question, he was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."

    "Counselor," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce and the settlement Mrs. Ralston is asking in its entirety. I simply cannot believe chivalry was the motivation for your client opening that car door - while he was driving down the freeway at 85 mph."
     
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  2. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde saw a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went back home.
     
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  3. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    The following is the procrastinators creed

    ----------
    I think I will post it tomorrow
     
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  4. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"

    The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
     
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  5. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

    “To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,” the attorney reads.

    “To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.

    “And finally,” the lawyer concludes, “to my cousin Bill, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will, well, you were wrong.

    Hi, Bill!”
     
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  6. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?''

    ''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.''
     
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  7. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

    Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

    Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralyzed, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.
     
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  8. bruben7886

    bruben7886 Diamond Member

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    You just made my night @me just sayin.

    Sent from my Moto Z (2) using Tapatalk
     
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  9. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in New York City. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes that there are germs in our drinking water.""But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and most of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"

    "You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." said the dietitian.

    The man lowered his head and responded, "Wedding cake?"
     
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  10. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing. His eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out is mobile phone and calls the emergency services.
    He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

    The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead."

    There's silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "Okay, now what?"
     
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  11. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Elements
    --------

    Element Name: WOMAN
    Symbol: WO
    Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)


    Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

    Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

    Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

    Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.


    Element Name: MAN
    Symbol: XY
    Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)


    Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

    Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

    Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

    Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
     
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  12. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town their sons were probably involved.

    The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

    The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8 year old first in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

    The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

    "Where is God?"

    The boys mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide eyed.

    So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone.."WHERE is God?!"

    Again the boy made no attempt to answer.

    So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boys face and bellowed...

    "WHERE IS GOD?!!!"

    The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

    When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

    The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied.. "We are in BIG trouble this time dude..God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
     
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