Laugh of the day!

Discussion in 'Off Topic Forum' started by me just sayin, Sep 9, 2017.

  1. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    GOOD

    A Madison, WI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

    BETTER

    A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in La Crosse, WI. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

    BEST

    A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As a Wisconsin State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball." He replied, "Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
     
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  2. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Q: Who was the greatest inventor of all time?
    A: God was! He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.


    Q: How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
    A: They were definitely put out.


    Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children to explain why he no longer lived in Eden?
    A: "Your mother ate us out of house and home."
     
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  3. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    This guy was on the side of the road near Terang, hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was black and no cars went by. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

    Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him. It stopped. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door and then realized there was nobody behind the wheel.

    The car started slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming toward him. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life.

    He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they get to a curve.

    The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet, and in shock, he goes to a pub and asks for two shots of whiskey, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy is crying, and isn't drunk.

    About half an hour later, two blokes walked in the same pub and one says to the other "Look Bill, there's the jerk that got in the car when we were pushing it!!!"
     
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  4. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

    The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

    "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

    "I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

    "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

    The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

    "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

    "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
     
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  5. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    One day, a Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.

    "Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."

    "We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."

    "You're both wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have graduated from college and have moved out of the house."
     
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  6. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A man is at the office one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

    This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about the other man's sudden change in "fashion sense."

    The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal about it. It's only an earring," the co-worker replies rather sheepishly.

    "So, really? How long have you been wearing one?" asked the man.

    His co-worker replied, "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."
     
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  7. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

    "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

    The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

    "And what if I swallow it?"

    "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
     
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  8. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Way down south, there's a Baptist minister of a large congregation. One morning after a particularly moving sermon, he says, "Friends, I have been hearing nasty rumors!"

    The crowd falls into an expectant silence. "One of you, my faithful followers, has been saying that I am a member of the Klu Klux Klan. This is not true! I am now asking that the guilty party confess and apologize here before my flock."

    Just then Sister Margaret stands up, "Preacher, I don't know how this came to be. All I said was that you're a wizard under the sheets."
     
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  9. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    home remedies

    1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat.

    2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them.

    3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

    4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

    5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

    6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

    AND.. Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

    Get the last word in: Apologize
     
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  10. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Two male computer science students met on campus one day. The first student called out to the other, "Hey. Nice bike! Where did you get it?"

    "Well," replied the second student, "I was walking to class the other day, when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all off her clothes, and says, 'You can have ANYTHING you want'."

    "Good choice." said the first computer science student. "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
     
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  11. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    By the time Jim pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office.

    "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where, I'm too exhausted to go any farther."

    "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost but, to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it's worth it to you."

    "No problem," Jim assured him, "I'll take it."

    The next morning Jim came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

    "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

    "Never better," said Jim. "Thanks for helping me out."

    The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring then?"

    "Nope. I shut him up in no time," Jim replied.

    "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

    "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Jim explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, "Goodnight, beautiful." He sat up all night watching me sleep."
     
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  12. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
    Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
    Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."

    Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
    Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
    Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."

    Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
    Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
    Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

    Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your mouth!"
    Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
    Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."
     
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