Laugh of the day!

[me just sayin]

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

 

[me just sayin]

A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price.

She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize."

As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

 

[me just sayin]

The other day I went to the local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy I'm glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the lord and how good he is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing that someone else loved Jesus because if he hadn't honked I'd never have noticed! I found lots of people loved Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, And then he leaned out his window and screamed "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ! GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!!!!! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people! I even honked my horn a couple times to show my love.

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way, with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage son in the back-seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst out laughing...why even he was enjoying the religious experience!

A couple of people were so caught up in the moment, that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed, so I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kinda sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign, as I drove away.

Praise The Lord For Such Wonderful Folks!

 

[me just sayin]

At a trial in a small South Carolina town, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, on the Bible, and was asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help her God.

The witness was a proper, well-dressed, elderly lady; the grandmotherly type well-spoken and poised.

The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your lovely wife, manipulate people, and talk badly
about them behind their backs. You think you are a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit, paper-pushing shyster. So yes, I know you quite well."

The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes.

Then, slowly backing away, fearing the looks on the judge and the jurors faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word, and not knowing what else to do, he pointed at the defense attorney across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the attorney for the defense?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a terrible drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. So yes, I know him too."

The defense attorney nearly fainted and sat slumped in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter, mixed with gasps, thundered throughout the courtroom and the place was on the verge of chaos. At this point, the judge
brought the courtroom to order and called both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you crooked *******s asks her if she knows me, you will go to jail for contempt of court."

 

[me just sayin]

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good-looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012,996 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day.

 

[kellyon]

 

[redbert31]

Sharing is caring!

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[me just sayin]

wonder what the cat will have for dessert

 

[redbert31]

wonder what the cat will have for dessert

mice cream of course!

Sent from my XT1650 using Tapatalk

 

[me just sayin]

e was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine.

"Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Betty Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Betty Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came too, he asked, "Now what was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called".

 

[me just sayin]

An old woman's husband dies and she inherits millions of dollars. She decides after a while that the money just isn't enough and she needs someone to fill the void. She decides the easiest way to go about finding someone would be to use the personal adds in the paper.

Her ad reads: RICH WIDOW SEEKING MAN, HAS TO MEET THESE THREE QUALITIES: WON'T BEAT HER UP, WON'T RUN AWAY, AND IS GREAT IN BED. CALL-555-2121 OR COME BY- 212 OAK STREET.

Over the few days after the ad ran she had tons of men call but none of them seemed right. Then when she was about to give up, the doorbell rang. The widow opened the door but didn't see anyone. When she was about to shut the door, she heard someone yell "hey!." There on the welcome mat sat a man with no arms and no legs. "

May I help you," asked the widow. "I'm here about the ad in the paper," the man replied. "What?" asked the surprised widow.

The man proceeded to answer, "I don't have any arms so I can't beat you up, and I don't have any legs so I can't run away." "Well what makes you think you're so great in bed?" she asked.

The man simply said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I."

 

[me just sayin]

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday

 

[me just sayin]

Bambi, a buxom blonde came running up toher husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. Hedidn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started
jumping up and down with her.

When Bambi said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

He said, "Great, tell me what you're sohappy about!"

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant!

He was ecstatic! They had been trying for a while. He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"

He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to pharmacy and bought the twin pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!"

 

[me just sayin]

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Sheila says, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"

Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!" "A prostitute!" Sheila repeated.

Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and saying, "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant"

 

[me just sayin]

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree. The leaf had been pressed in between pages.

"Momma, look what I found", the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!!!"