Laugh of the day!

Discussion in 'Off Topic Forum' started by me just sayin, Sep 9, 2017.

  1. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

    The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
     
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  2. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?

    Prime mates.
     
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  3. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

    His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

    “Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."

    His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

    "Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"
     
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  4. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    It remains a puzzle why a bra is singular and panties are plural.
     
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  5. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Three nurses died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

    To the first, he asked, “What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?” “I was a nurse in an inner city hospital,” she replied. “I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children.” “Very noble,” said St. Peter. “You may enter.” And in through the gates she went.

    To the next, he asked the same question: “So what did you do on Earth?” “I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa,” she replied. “For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God’s love.” “How touching,” said St. Peter. “You too may enter.” And in she went.

    He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, “So, what did you do back on Earth?” After some hesitation, she explained, “I was just a nurse at an HMO.” St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, “Okay, you may enter also.”

    “Whew!” said the nurse. “For a moment there, I thought you weren’t going to let me in.”

    “Oh, you can come in,” said St. Peter, “but you can only stay for three days….”
     
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  6. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
    2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
    1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
    1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
    1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
    1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
    2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
     
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  7. bruben7886

    bruben7886 Diamond Member

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    3 men meet St Peter.
    Pete pulls out his ledger, "you 3 ain't due for awhile. You (pointing at one of them)... Tell me how you ended up here"

    Man 1: "I got home early, smelled cigarette smoke. Neither my wife nor I smoke. I knew there was another man around; so, I picked up the bed, no one there. I picked up the couch, no one under it. I picked up the fridge, no one behind it. In a fit of rage I hurled it out the window! ... That's when I apparently had a heart attack."

    Peter: "ok, that explains you.... What about you?"

    Man 2: "I was just walking down the street. Someone yelled 'look out!'. I looked up to barely see a fridge before it landed on my head and killed me"

    Peter: "ok, that explains you 2. How about you? (Pointing at the third man) How did you get here, and why the hell are you naked?!?!?"

    Man 3: "dude....I have no clue.... Last thing I remember was enjoying a cigarette, minding my own business, hanging out in a refrigerator...."

    Sent from my Moto Z (2) using Tapatalk
     
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  8. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    a man walks into a lawyer's office and asks, "How much do you charge?"

    The lawyer says, "$5,000 for three questions."

    "Wow, that's pretty expensive, isn't it?" the man asks.

    "Yes," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"
     
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  9. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Sugar, can you lend me 15 dollars? I want to buy a case of beer.

    No darling. I wanted to buy myself some make-up because I want to look pretty for you.

    Sugar, that’s exactly why I wanted to buy those beers.
     
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  10. bitochen

    bitochen New Member

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    I go to a woman named Corinne in Bern. I have been going to her since I started learning German in 2002.

    Corinne and I negotiate long and hard (half in English and half in German) before she ever even touches her scissors.

    She gives good advice, too - "I don't can make a lot Stüfungen with your hairs. They will be very shitly."

    "ok, Corinne, just do it how you think sieht gut aus."

    Regards
     
    #202 bitochen, Feb 25, 2018
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 2, 2018
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  11. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    A little boy visits his farmer grandpa and watches him milk the cows.

    The next day one of the cows runs away and grandpa is really upset about it.

    “Don’t worry, Grandpa,” says the boy helpfully, “she can’t have gone very far with an empty tank.”
     
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  12. me just sayin

    me just sayin Diamond Member

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    Daddy, why are all the cars beeping their horns?

    Because there’s a wedding going on.

    But isn’t the horn a warning signal Daddy?

    Exactly, son.
     
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