Funniest thread on DroidForums.net....wanna laugh? Come read this....

Discussion in 'Off Topic Forum' started by nerdslogic, Apr 9, 2011.

  1. nerdslogic
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    nerdslogic New Member

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    I am really missing reading all those stories about Big Red...AKA...MIB...AKA VZW coming to get us rooters. I thought it would be great to have a thread just for that and other funny stories....whether they are true or made up....if it's funny post it here.

    Consider this the comic relief thread.

    I am going to post mine but it is long so someone else might get one in here before I do.
  2. Abe21599
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    Abe21599 DF Super Moderator Rescue Squad

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    sooo.... wheres the funny?
  3. Oxymoron
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    Oxymoron New Member

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    My attempt to thwart Big Red's efforts to find me was to throw my phone in the toilet.... but that didn't work........ it was a crappy idea.
  4. Hugh Jass
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    Hugh Jass Well-Known Member

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    Did you wipe it 3 times? If not it won't work right...
  5. manningfan10
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    manningfan10 New Member

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    ^hahahahaha
  6. Oxymoron
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    Oxymoron New Member

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    I wiped 3 times... but I didn't "wipe all". It seemed like it would be okay at the time, but now I feel like I need a shower.

    Be a bidet, and help me out man.
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2011
  7. freezyfreaky
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    freezyfreaky New Member

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    Proper way to wipe is from FRONT to BACK.
  8. Oxymoron
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    Oxymoron New Member

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    I'm still L'ing O L @ "Did you wipe it 3 times?"

    :-D
  9. Hugh Jass
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    Hugh Jass Well-Known Member

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    But if there's a dirty root in the way it won't make a difference.
  10. freezyfreaky
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    freezyfreaky New Member

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    OK, I'm going to repost my old stories to kick off this thread. Plus 1 new one.
  11. freezyfreaky
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    freezyfreaky New Member

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    In an effort to find out the answers we are looking for, I decided to call Verizon Wireless and get their responses to our questions. I've transcribed the conversation for all of you below:

    [Music]

    [This call may be recorded for quality assurance or training purposes]

    [Music]

    Rep: Thank you for calling Verizon Wireless. This is [redacted]. May I have your name please?
    Me : freezyfreaky
    Rep: Excuse me?
    Me : fuhh-reezy fuh-reaky
    Rep: Uhh.. sorry.. how do you spell that?
    Me : f-r-e-e-z-y f-r-e-a-k-y
    Rep: Uh.. umm.. How can I help you, Mr.. uhhhh.. Freez... umm.. sir?
    Me : Please. I am a man of stature in life. Call me Mr. Freaky.
    Rep: Uhh... Mr. Freaky. Can I put you on hold please?
    Me : Sure, babe.
    Rep: um okay.

    [Music]

    Rep: Thank you for holding, sir. How may I help you?
    Me : Mr. Freaky
    Rep: Um.. Mr. Freaky
    Me : Thank you. I am part of a small but growing, vibrant community of phone enthusiaists on droidforums.net. I regularly bless them with my thoughts through posting on numerous topics regarding Android and more specifically Verizon Android phones.
    Rep: ...
    Me : Please settle this dispute for us. We are currently holding a discussion regarding rumors of Verizon changing their practices in the future so they can further lock down and monitor rooted phones. Are these changes being made because someone who is not me rooted their phone and flashed the NAND using Team Black Hat's wireless tether mod, or say, use an widely available app on the market like PDAnet that doesn't require root so that someone who is not me can tether for free?
    Rep: Uh, Excuse me?
    Me : Tethering. I said tethering.
    Rep: Oh, okay, if you want to tether, we can sign you up for tethering for $20 per month with a 2GB limit.
    Me : No, that's not what I meant. But since we are on the topic, why when I'm paying $30 per month for unlimited data that I need to pay extra for tethering when we both know it is the same data being downloaded through your phone.
    Rep: I'm sorry, sir. The unlimited data plan is for your phone only. Using tethering to connect any other device will cost an additional $20 per month.
    Me : Mr. Freaky.
    Rep: Sorry, Mr. Freaky. There is an additional charge for tethering.
    Me : So if I can use the analogy of an all-you-can-eat chinese buffet... if I was a phone, my girlfriend is my laptop, unlimited data plan being the all-you-can-eat chinese food, you are saying that if I wanted my girlfriend to eat too... that I would have to pay for her also?
    Rep: Umm... I guess so.
    Me : Seriously. Do you really think it's fair that I have to pay for my girlfriend to eat too?
    Rep: Uhh.. no?
    Me : Thanks, babe. You have been very helpful
    Rep: Is there anything else I can help you with?
    Me : Nope.
    Rep: Thankyouforcallingverizonwirelessgoodbye.

    [click]
  12. freezyfreaky
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    freezyfreaky New Member

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    The p3droid rumors are true. Verizon found me and shook me down. Here is our interaction written verbatim:

    [Knock, Knock]

    [Two men outside my door. Both dressed in black suit and tie with sunglasses on. Both had an earpiece in one ear with a wire running into their collars. One guy is huge like the size of an ape.]

    [BTW, MIB = Man in Black = smaller guy]

    Me : Can I help you?
    MIB: Do you know why we are here?
    Me : Listen, I already bought 3 boxes of cookies but if the both of you hurry that way, you might catch up with the rest of your girl scout troop.

    [I tried to closed the door but he jams his foot in the door.]

    MIB: Are you freezyfreaky?
    Me : Please. Call me Mr. Freaky. Who the hell are you?
    MIB: Let’s just say we work for a certain all-you-can-eat chinese buffet called Big Red. I am here to collect the bill and my big friend here is going to make sure you cooperate.
    Me : What are you talking about?
    MIB: If chinese food is an unlimited data plan, you are a phone, and your laptop is your girlfriend... and from the looks of you, it probably is... for the past year, your fat pig of a girlfriend has been hogging out for free.
    Me : I will let you know that as a man of stature in life, I score nothing but smokeshows. Now if you and your life-partner would just get out of my doorway...
    MIB: Not so fast, Freakshow.
    Me : Mr. Freaky.
    MIB: Ever heard of TBH?
    Me : To be honest?
    MIB: That would be in your best interest.
    Me : No. TBH. To. Be. Honest.
    MIB: Don’t get smart with me, BrainFreeze.
    Me : Mr. Freaky.
    MIB: You know as well as I do it stands for Team Black Hat.
    Me : Sounds like you guys to me.
    MIB: We have records of illegal tethering using a cell phone with a phone number of [redacted]. Look. We know it was you. Make this easy on yourself.
    Me : I don’t know what you are talking about.
    MIB: Is your cell phone number [redacted]?
    Me : Doesn’t sound familiar.

    [Suddenly, my cell phone rings in my pocket.]

    MIB: Do you want to answer that, FreebieWeebie?

    [I look up and see Gorilla in the Mist with a cell phone to his ear.]

    Me : How long did it take to train him to use a cell phone? More importantly, can he talk?
    MIB: You shut up and listen. I’m going to be doing all the talking here. I see you only have 2 choices. You can sign this contract where you pay $20 per month for tethering with a 2GB limit for the next 2 years...
    Me : Or what?
    MIB: Pretend it is right before the Grammys, your doorway being a rented lamborghini, my big friend here is Chris Brown, and you are Rihanna. The difference is you never sold millions of records and never had a hit song named Umbrella.
    Me : Sounds like a great deal. Where do I sign?
    MIB: Right here. Thank you for choosing Verizon Wireless, Mr. Freaky. It was great doing business with you.
  13. freezyfreaky
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    freezyfreaky New Member

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    MIB1: Man, that guy sure had a mouth on him. Can you believe the Mr. Freaky stuff? What a lunatic.
    MIB2: I couldn’t believe that you had to use the Rihanna line on him. HQ said to only use that in dire emergency situations only.
    MIB1: Hello? Were you paying attention? That guy called us girl scouts. Then called us life-partners. You even know what that means? He was calling us girl scouts who sells him boxes of cookies.
    MIB2: You did insinuate that his laptop is his girlfriend.
    MIB1: AFTER he called us girl scouts. Who’s side are you on anyways?
    MIB2: Sorry.
    MIB2: Who is this p3droid guy anyways? Who’s the leak?
    MIB1: Don’t know. But I bet if we lift up his shirt we will find a malformed baby named Kuato sticking out of his chest like Total Recall.
    MIB1: OK, we are almost at the next illegal tethering slimebag’s spot.
    MIB2: Can I do the talking this time? I’m tired of being the silent guy who calls their cell.
    MIB1: No.
    MIB2: Why not?
    MIB1: You remember the last time?
    MIB2: I’ve been practicing a lot since last time.
    MIB1: You were messing up the all-you-can-eat chinese buffet analogy so bad the guy almost had you signing the 2 year tethering contract before I stepped in.
    MIB1: OK, looks like this is the place. Remember to shut up and let me do the talking.
    MIB2: This place looks like a bomb shelter.
    MIB1: Yeah, gives me the creeps. Think I just saw movement inside. Come on, let’s go knock on the door.

    [Knock, knock]

    MIB1: Hello, cereal killer?

    [Knock, knock]

    MIB2: I think he’s running.
    MIB1: <sigh> I hate when they run.
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2011
  14. nerdslogic
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    nerdslogic New Member

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    Lets hope you dont have a dell "streak"

    Sent from my DROID2 using DroidForums
  15. cereal killer
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    cereal killer DF Administrator Staff Member

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    <cereal killer© is sending this automated post from his bunker. He will be posting periodically throughout the year after the smoke clears. Thank you for your interest in following him #winning>

    Sent from my Droid
  16. freezyfreaky
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    freezyfreaky New Member

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    Save yourself! They already got me.
  17. lfylove
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    lfylove New Member

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    Lmaooo

    Sent from my Droid using DroidForums
  18. nerdslogic
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    nerdslogic New Member

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    ok here is my attemp. I am not good at writing these things very quickly so I kinda hijacked something to make this a but funnier.....hope you enjoy.

    Yesterday I got a knock on the door. 2 guys....both in Black Suits standing outside. I open the door and the shorter of the 2 says...."are you Eric ######"

    Me: yes I am....how can I help you?
    MIB1: we understand you are rooted and tethering
    me: what?
    MIB1: you like to play your Xbox through our bandwidth
    Me: what are you talking about
    MIB1: dont play coy with me boy
    Me: I play Black ops and Homefront.....never heard of coy
    MIB1: look we have a deal for you....we are tired of chasing down your friends...you guys are freaks....some hiding in bomb shelters, others trying to flush their phone's without wiping....dirty souls....but what they don't understand is we are everywhere and we WILL catch up with all of you
    Me: who are you?
    MIB1: we are with the University...of......America
    Me: University of America?
    MIB2: you know who we are....we are with Skygen....uh....I mean Verizon

    suddenly my cat runs out the door....with a quickness I have never seen before MIB2 snatches him off the ground

    Me: can I have my cat back?
    MIB1: oh....is this yours?
    Me: uh....yeah....he just ran out of my house....look I don't know who you are or what you want but give me my cat back and kick rocks
    MIB1: look here's the deal....we don't care if you are rooted....but the tethering has to stop
    Me: I told you....I don't know what you are talking about
    MIB2: that's funny because I am connected to your network right now

    I knew I had been caught at that point

    Me: ok....what do you want....what's this "deal"
    MIB1: all you have to do is zap yourself with this little itsy bitsy pocket taser.....if you do that we will let you go....you can tether all you want and we wont care
    Me:....uh huh....sounds to good to be true
    MIB2 whispers under his breath "cause it is"
    Me: what's that?
    MIB2: oh...uh... I said I need to take a whiz
    Me: what are you 12? Find a bush
    MIB1 to MIB2: see he has the same kinda attitude as that Freezy guy and Cookie Killer
    Me: uh....that's Mr. Freaky and Cereal Killer
    MIB1: whatever....so do we have a deal?
    Me: can I have my cat back?

    MIB 2 drops him and he immediately bolts back inside

    Me: So let me get this straight.....if I taze myself.....you guys will leave and I can do what I want with my phone....no additional plan or anything?

    MIB1: that is correct....do you have any questions?
    Me: yeah what is the difference between data and text messages? Why are they 2 different plans? Seems to me text messages ARE data.

    MIB1: there you go with that nerds logic stuff....look....they are kinda like the same thing....but different

    Me: fine give me the dang tazer

    MIB 2 hands me this thing that looks like a pocket flashlight or something

    MIB1 starts explaining: just a one second burst is all we ask

    MIB 2 pushes his way into the door and forces me to sit in the recliner

    MIB1: it shouldn't hurt one bit

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long,
    less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two
    itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

    I'm sitting there in my shorts, my cat and the 2 MIB guys looking on, my cat with his head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it dummy," while the MIB guys are reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

    I decided to go for it and give myself a one second burst. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . ... WHAT THE HECK!!!

    I'm pretty sure MIB2 picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
    picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
    getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of
    caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
    You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
    violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be
    considered conservative?

    IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
    point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
    the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
    The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
    was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
    felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88
    lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but
    was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint
    smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still
    looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their
    safe return!!

    MIB guys were gone, as promised, and my phone was sitting perfectly on the center of the table. When I picked it up....still in a daze....that's when I noticed I had been duped.

    I hit the power button, my screen lit up on my phone and there it was.....stock Android....my root...gone....Bloatware....all back...and on my home screen of all things. And I had a text message waiting for me

    "Thank you for doing business with Verizon and for being the most important part...our customer"


    Sorry if you guys feel like I cheated but I thought this would make for a funny read. I don't actually tether and never have....but I have thought about it quite often.
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2011
  19. nerdslogic
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    nerdslogic New Member

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    This just in....Verizon offers a special, limited edition, upgrade for root users ONLY....they are calling it.....

    The Brick
  20. freezyfreaky
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    freezyfreaky New Member

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    lol Thanks. I enjoyed it.
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