RSD worked finally, not sure what did it but did another clean install and I'm all good. Thanks for all the help guys.
To keep people posted in case I'm the only one not having this issue, the touch screen/soft keys only don't work when the phone is in landscape mode or the keyboard is out. The phone works just fine in vertical mode for whatever reason; weirdest glitch I have ever come across in a Droid phone, and I've had a bunch.
EDIT: Did do several factory resets in the middle of doing this; not sure what caused it to finally boot, but I'm not going to complain. Verizon just mailed me a new D4, finally... now to make do with ****ty Blur and a barely functional phone for a week.