It's all good now, running cyanogenmod, and it's beautiful! Just needed a factory reset (slap upside the head). Thanks for everybody's help!
For the record:
1) I love the name of this post. It's amazing that you could think of something so clever in such a stressful time. (I've been stuck in a bootloop for a while before, I was flipping out!)
2) I'm glad you were able to get your phone working.
When I was stuck, I did the same thing. I came to these awesome people for spiritual guidance. They talked me through how to sbf, and got me up and running in about an hour. Just keep the ball rolling and help someone else if the opportunity presents itself.